Forgiveness is NOT

Step 8, Step 9

Many people have a hard time forgiving others because they think its something that it’s not. Forgiveness is not:

* Forgetting what happened

* Minimizing or denying what happened

* Saying you have to reconcile.

When you forgive you are actually validating the offense and saying you are ready to move on. But forgiving does not mean you have to reconcile or be in relationship with the offender. It MAY lead to reconciliation but it doesn’t have to.

Forgiveness is the first step to repairing damaged relationships. Sometimes it’s as simple as acknowledging the offense, the “sting” or impact of the offense along with a sincere admition of guilt that leads to a new level of relationship.

Here is a simple “formula” that will help you make an amend that could restore a relationship.

Step 1. State your intent: Let your friend/family member etc. know that you would like some time to make an amend. Example: I would like some time to share with you my amends for_______ so that we can be closer/remove this obstacle, etc.”

Step 2. Specific ways your actions/words caused damage. It’s important to understand how your words/acts have hurt your friend/family member and that you communicate that to them. “When I ______ I know that I hurt you, embarrassed you, caused you to feel angry, etc”.

Step 3. Responsibility statement. Take full responsibility for you actions. Example: “I take 100% responsibility for my actions and the _____ that this has caused you”.

Step 4. Intent to change. A simple statement that indicates your intent to change and to not repeat these acts/words again. Example: It is my intention to not repeat this action again and to not cause you____”.

Step 5. Accountability. Possibly the most important statement in this process. Ask your friend/family member to help you with accountability by asking them to address you specifically if the acts’ words happen again. Example: I am asking that you help me to be ccountable to my commitment by confronting me, setting boundarieds, etc. if I should repeat this behavior again.”

If you take these 5 steps (not necessarily easy) your relationships will move to a deeper more meaningful one. This also allows you to have a more open and fulfilling relationship with Christ; which leads to his Holy Spirit flowing freely through you. May you be blessed!